... though I always seem to convince myself otherwise. Like ... I'm single and, since that's my state now, I believe, somehow, that's the only state I can be sure of. So, it's the "default." So, I try to steel myself for a lifetime of it.
It's magnitude, though, is huge. People choose lifelong celibacy after much, much prayer and consideration because its magnitude is fairly HUGE. And I just assume it. I "bravely" convince myself of it; disregard desire and hope; actually try to strangle desire and hope; and grieve and grieve and grieve ... It isn't something I give, it's something I feel like I've lost.
(Not to attack a beloved classic but -- did "Passion and Purity" do this to us?)
I'm training myself to think, "This guy won't want me." And "That guy isn't going to want me." Which seems like it would guard a heart against disappointment -- to not hope. (My kinsman redeemer woke up, smiled sadly, regretfully and did not want me.) But rehearsing something that isn't (necessarily) true seems like ... believing delusions (madness). It's not logical to think, because something is the way it is now, there's a 98% chance it'll stay like that for the rest of my life.
I don't want to disregard the Variable. We pray to God, who loves us and is good, and can work changes among the mysteries of free will and His plan. So ... hope "Godwardly?" Desire God first, and then the other good things in the way. So if something I desire drops out, I'm still wanting Godwardly, and satisfied. Easier said, though ... unfinished thoughts.
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3 comments:
Okay, I have to be honest here. I don't understand all of this! LOL! Our minds work different, and frankly, you're just really intelligent! I did enjoy reading it though! Just keep your focus on God Who will keep His promises, even when you think He may be unfair or not providing....He always does, and He DOES want you to be happy! :)
You're right -- I'm getting furious-er and furious-er. I just re-read and think it's a little weird-going, myself. It would probably be a good writing exercise for me to try to make it clearer (but probably smarter to just erase my rants). We probably do think differently, but at least I understand what you're trying to say. :)
And what I meant my that was, you write in such a way that people understand what you're trying to say. Unlike me, who writes all kinds of wierd things and than pushes "publish."
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